Foreword
Chase Joynt explains the reasons for the book, how he met the co-author, and the form and structure of the book.
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0.0 Orly
The authors begin their story describing themselves in third person, interacting in an airport. They discuss a filmmaker of interest to both, carefully circling around the ideas in his films that …
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0.1 First Date
The authors write to each other about Chase’s first date and Mike remembers a date of his own.
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0.2 Ease
Chase relays awkward and funny stories about sex from his childhood while Mike reflects back to him what he thinks the stories might mean for Chase.
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0.3 Packaging
Chase shares his experience of talking about sex with a woman with whom he may have sex, while Mike re-experiences a scene from his childhood with his family.
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0.4 First Kiss
Chase reflects on first kisses, including his own, though as a girl, not a man.
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0.5 No Man's Land
Mike reflects on a moment of early sexual attraction to men, while Chase shares an early reflection that while he might actually relate more to men than women.
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0.6 Father
Chase reflects on spending time with his father as a kid, at his warehouse at work and at golf tournaments, while Mike shares about his mostly quietly removed father and reflects on Chase’s …
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0.7 Akin
Chase considers the value of their writing project, and on his experience of gender transition supported by his mother, while Mike offers reflections of Chase’s stories.
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0.8 Fear
Mike discusses his fear of telling friends about having HIV, a friend’s reaction and the role of filmmaking in processing fear. Chase reflects on a childhood moment of being mistaken for a …
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0.9 Love Letters
Mike shares about the first person he fell in love with and his letters with her, while Chase responds remembering a film of their shared favourite filmmaker about love letters, and sorting …
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0.10 Rehersal
Mike shares a memory about learning to ride a bike with his little brother and crashing, after which they discuss death. Chase shares a memory of his mother teaching him about menstruation when …
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1.0 Festival
Mike and Chase attend a festival of a film by their favourite filmmaker together.
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1.1 Reveal
Mike shares about going home and reuniting with his brother, and when he told his brother about HIV, and then about how their relationship shifted with new drugs to extend life. Chase reflects on …
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1.2 Looking
Chase reflects on looking at other people and how his desire to look at others changed during his transition. Mike helps him unpack his thoughts, and they consider Chase’s tattoos as a way …
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1.3 Inside Out
Mike shares about being asked to report his sexual history to the government after his diagnosis, and Chase considers this through their filmmaking work. Chase reconsiders the stories he tells …
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1.4 Hornets
Chase shares a story about the easily provoked hornet nest that lies within him regarding masculinity, and Mike reflects back to him that it has something to do with touch. Chase considers how to …
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1.5 Serena
Chase shares more about a first date, and it reminds Mike about falling in love with someone named Serena, and how she inadvertently helped him to not hide after his diagnosis.
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1.6 Editing
Chase reflects on his editing process in filmmaking and how it relates to his desire to control and edit his life stories. Mike asks questions of Chase’s film work, and together they …
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1.7 Screens
Mike begins with a story of watching a film with a friend and Chase picks up with a story of reconnecting with his father. Mike reflects on hugging people via considering his nephew, all while …
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1.8 Archive
Chase begins by sharing about going through personal archives of photos and letters of exes. Mike considers how computers are essentially archives, and what they reveal about our societal …
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2.0 Café of Silence
Mike and Chase meet at near their favourite filmmaker’s home and find it easier to write than to talk, as the café they are in is robbed by an armed man.
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2.1 Funeral
Chase reflects on his grandmother’s death.
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2.2 Mark
Mike shares a reflection of his friend Mark, who despite working at being exceptionally positive and kind, died of suicide when he was 35. Chase reflects back the story of Mark, which is also …
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2.3 How Could You Ever Leave Me?
Mike considers how people in their second lives often plan their funerals, like his mother. He continues to share about Mark’s death and funeral.
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2.4 Imperfect
Chase reflects on Mike’s telling of Mark’s funeral. They both grapple with the ideas of perfection and vulnerability.
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2.5 Tears
Chase reflects on stereotypes of trans men and shares more details of his transition. Mike wonders about the ways his favourite filmmaker makes him feel and react. Chase reflects on the function …
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2.6 Pride
Chase shares his experiences in learning to navigate male washrooms and cruising culture, as well as his Pride parade experiences. Mike shares his experiences with Pride and queer culture.
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2.7 Secrets
Mike reflects on his HIV status and the impact of keeping it secret on other people. Chase shares about his mother’s second marriage as an Othodox Jew, the first time he is publicly with …
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2.8 Leaving Home
Mike is grateful for his doctor Chelsea and reflects on her challenges treating people with HIV. Chase reflects on his childhood home. They both consider home could be in other people who share …
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2.9 Forced Out
Mike shares his friend’s cancer diagnosis, and her experience in being told she had to have breast reconstruction surgery to be accepted. Chase considers his art about surgery and …
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2.10 Duty and Profit
Chase reflects on his relationship with sex. Mike reflects on what sex used to mean for him and means now that he is HIV-positive.
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2.11 Dirty Penny Drop
Chase shares about loving a friend and how his transition impacted her attraction to him.
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2.12 Love
Mike brings up a new favourite writer’s work about love. Chase reflects on love, heartbreak and new love. Mike shares what their writing means to him.
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2.13 Curtain Call
Chase considers the opportunities of having a second life. Mike reflects on how getting HIV drugs that save his life meant for his orienting toward life, before sharing that more of his friends …
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2.14 Postscript
Mike and Chase meet in person and have a poignant moment together.
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Acknowledgements
Acknowledgements
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Works Cited
Works Cited
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